REVIEW: Hitman

Title: Hitman

Director: Cesar Montano

Producer: Viva Films

Distribution: Viva Films

Date of premiere: February 22, 2012

Hitman is the funniest action film that I was able to watch in my lifetime, and it wasn't even made to be funny.

Sorry to say this but Hitman blows. I'm all in support of the resurgence of Pinoy action films, but please, please make them good films.

Tikoy Aguiluz's Asiong Salonga opened the way for this resurgence. But that was a good film. It's a pity that Hitman, the Pinoy the action film that followed it, isn't as good.

Did I mention that it blows? Here's why, spoilers abound.

• There's this fight scene in a billiards place that was badly set up.
• This was Mark Herras's worst role ever. Whine whine whine.
• There was this twist where Mark Herras was revealed to not be a whiney emo kid but a mob boss. I mean what? I mean what?
• There was this twist where Cesar Montano's deceased kid is not dead, but alive. Then at the end of the film, he forgets about him. I mean what? I mean what?
• Cesar's sex scenes with Sam Pinto are the worst-shot sex scenes ever. And was that Sam's nipple shot? Or was that Cesar's nipple? If it was Cesar's nipple, then Sam actually licked that? Ew.
• Cesar Montano and Phillip Salvador have a long gunfight chase scene along metro streets. No police comes out to chase them. I know it is a characteristic of Pinoy action films that the police comes late to the scene, but this is beyond ridiculous.
• Sam Pinto's character escapes being handcuffed to the wall by gripping a pencil with her toes, then using that pencil to dial an 11-digit number on a cellphone with very small buttons. No laughtrack needed.
• A crucial gunfight scene becomes a series of snapshots. Why?
• Instead of being shown, plot points are revealed through dialogue.
• Sam Pinto's character is an FHM (they called it HFM but whatever) sexiest cover girl, who chooses to have sex with a complete stranger called Cesar Montano. And also, she is a virgin. After fleeing the baddies, she decides to have sex in the car with Cesar again, because she is not a virgin anymore.
• After Sam Pinto realizes Cesar Montano is a hitman, Cesar handcuffs her to the wall. Sam Pinto then gets rescued by Phillip Salvador, who turns out to be the real baddie. In the final scene, Cesar and Phillip chase each other, leaving Sam alone. Did Sam escape the two of them? No, she went to look for the stranger called Cesar. She likes being handcuffed, apparently.
• Phillip Salvador hostages Sam Pinto in a warehouse so she can tell him where she hid the money. Sam then says where it is: behind her. Phillip has taken her to where the money is, because Phillip is psychic.

Reports are saying that Hitman will have a sequel. That's a good thing; I need more laughs. Serious.

RATING: 1/5

SUMMARY: It is the funniest action film I have ever seen. It's not even trying to be funny, so that's a plus.

REVIEW: Unofficially Yours

Title: UnOfficially Yours

Director: Cathy Garcia-Molina

Producer: Star Cinema

Distribution: Star Cinema

Date of premiere: February 15, 2012

UnOfficially Yours works because of the incredible chemistry between the two leads, John Lloyd Cruz and Angel Locsin. Both play individuals caught in a relationship that's mostly about casual sex, until one of them wishes for something more.

John Lloyd is Mackie, a dentist who changes his career to be a journalist in Manila Bulletin. Angel is Ces, a lifestyle journalist that Mackie met (weeks? days?) ago for a one-night stand.

It is fun and gooey to watch the exploits of the two lead characters. John Lloyd is magnetic on screen, and lends his character authenticity by doing almost nothing at all. Angel gives her character a practicality, and it works. 

I lost count on the number of sex scenes the two have had (note to self: watch it again, and count), but all of these scenes were handled with expert humor. 

The supporting characters are also great to watch, particularly Mackie's gang: Boom Labrusca, Edgar Allan Guzman, and the thin lesbian actress I haven't seen before. I don't know her name, but she was funny, so here's a special mention.

The only negative that I can say about this film is how John Lloyd's character can't seem to grasp what journalism should be. At one point, he passes a love letter to the editors, and it gets printed on the front page. Totally weird. 

Nevertheless, UnOfficially Yours is still a worthy watch. And it's directed by Cathy Garcia-Molina, whose terrific film One More Chance has already entered local zeitgeist. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

I hope UnOfficially Yours  becomes a very big hit so it will surpass Praybeyt Benjamin in the ranking of all-time best films in the box office. That crappy Wenn Deramas movie film does not deserve the number one.

RATING: 4.5/5

SUMMARY: John Lloyd Cruz and Angel Locsin have incredible chemistry together in this hilarious film by Cathy Garcia-Molina. Watch this now.

TV REVIEW: Valiente

This is my review for TV5's Valiente remake at PEP.ph is below. 

The show is an uneven effort, with a fast-paced plot riddled with plot points that are utterly useless (like Gardo and Theo meeting prostitutes on Day 1, and Theo's mother facing a quick corruption charge on Day 3). 

In addition, casting inexperienced young actors as the young Gardo and Theo weakens the show. We're supposed to be glued to the plot because of the relationship between the two, but using weak actors makes it harder for viewers to believe.

TV: Survivor Philippines Celebrity Doubles Showdown: A PostScript

Last night, February 10, I was at GMA-7's Studio 7 to watch the finale of Survivor Philippines Celebrity Doubles Showdown live. This was the second time I did that; I also covered Akihiro Sato's win last season.

As a big fan of Survivor, covering live is a fun experience. Plus I got to interview the winner, whom I did not like that much, so I got to act like a bitter jury and accuse him again. Which was fun. #kidding

Here are my notes to this Survivor season:

• The title is a mouthful. Mentioning it as an acronym does not help either.
• The title is long because it is a Celebrity season. GMA-7 should make a normal season next for a shorter title.
• GMA-7 should make a normal season so I could join.
• The Survivor finale stage was confused. It had Aztec/Mayan poles, bull skulls from Mexico, and native bulol sculptures from the Philippines. GMA-7 says let's all be liberal and mix cultures together and pretend the fans do not notice.
• Betong's win is a result of his "paawa" plea. No one can deny that. 
• Betong says he has heart, and he played the game without stepping on anyone. Fans believe it, but hey, did they forget that he and Maey were instrumental in two betrayals? Gino's boot, and Arnold's boot. Betong and Maey are not as clean as how they claim to be.
• Questions I asked Betong during the interview/interrogation time: his paawa effect, if he really is poor as he claim to be, if he deserves to win, if he and Maey are in a romantic relationship.
• Betong told me he has a large credit card debt, and he'll use the P3M to pay it off.
• More than half of the studio viewers are Betong fans, less than 20% are Mara's fans, and 10% are Stef's fans. This is not because their fans are fewer; it is because Betong is an employee of GMA-7, so his friends got almost all the tickets to the finale. And that's unfair.
• Stef Prescott is stunning in her yellow gown. 
• Angelicopter was absent, and did not show up.
• Angelicopter's fellow quitters Ellen Adarna, Filo Cucueco, and Jackie Forster showed up. I wish they didn't.
• Ellen Adarna is a bitch. During taping, she always screamed her head off near Maria Isabel Lopez's ears, because she's a bitch and can't let go of what happened in the island.
• I wish Maria Isabel Lopez slapped Ellen Adarna into eternity.
• Did I mention Ellen Adarna is a bitch?
• Did you know that only the last half of the finale was shot live? The first half -- composed of interviews and introductions -- was shot an hour earlier.
• After the break in the shoot, Ellen Adarna was among the castaways to come back late from dinner. Cue jokes: Ellen already quit the live finale so she's not coming back.
• At one point during the live show, while the first pre-taped half is being shown on TV, Maria Isabel Lopez walked from the castoffs seats to her daughter Mara in the center of the stage to whisper something in her ears. Mara then had to go to the jury's seats to talk to Arnold about it.
• I think the whispering was about Ellen Adarna's action to spite Maria Isabel Lopez.
• Ellen Adarna can't let go, can she? Maria Isabel took her down in the game. That was IN THE GAME. She should move on.
• Former castaways were present: Season 1's Marlon Carmen, Zita Ortiga, Chris Cartagenas, and Chev Macias; Season 2's Tara Macias; and Season 3's Aubrey Miles, Ervic Vijandre, Moi Marcampo, and Jon Hall. I remember that their seasons were better than this season.
• The recap video still mentioned the Stargazer's predictions. Which were total failure. So I wish we forget about it. And remember that it was a waste of airtime.
• Next season, GMA-7 should cut out the stupid fillers like the Stargazer scene. 
• Richard Gutierrez was a better host now than before. That is a true compliment.
• Unlike before, Richard did not shout "See you next season, mga katribo!" at the end of the live finale. So is there a next season at all? Or maybe he won't host it?

Odd

It feels odd when commenters call out your full name under articles you wrote, like they have power over you.

TV REVIEW: It's Showtime

Yesterday, February 6, was the premiere of It's Showtime, ABS-CBN's new noontime show. Did it live up to the hype?

The answer is, not yet.

It's Showtime is a reincarnation of Showtime, the Kapamilya channel's highly-popular talent show that previously aired before noontime. With It's Showtime, the old show seems to be leaving it's previous tag as a home for incredible talent so it could be a full-pledged noontime show.

It's Showtime's producers thought that to convert Showtime into a noontime show, they need to add new segments to lengthen the running time. So we saw these segments yesterday: Sine Mo 'To, The Singing V, Pitik Bulag, Arte Mo!, and Rock Clock.

The last segment, Classic Showtime, is the old format, condensed. Showtime is known to discover incredible talent, so it was surprising that the new show relegated its strongest segment at the end.

It is more surprising because the new segments weren't as strong as Classic Showtime for them to be the show's opening segments.

The first segment, Sine Mo 'To, was a live sketch that recalled Lunch-A-Funny-Tym. While hilarious and admirable for heightening audience participation, it should be shortened to avoid dragging.

The Singing V, meanwhile, was a mini spin-off of the previous show The Singing Bee. It took two of the show's gaps, although it was not exciting enough to warrant that length. The rules were also confusing, because they were not explained well before the game started.

Pitik Bulag also had confusing rules and too much length--seven minutes were spent introducing the contestants and the game mechanics before any game was played.

Arte Mo! and Rock Clock are It's Showtime's main prize-giving segments. With a little tweaking, these could be as big as the classics, like Laban o Bawi, or Pera o Bayong.

One good thing about It's Showtime's is that the chemistry of the hosts is still there. At times, the camaraderie between Vice Ganda, Anne Curtis, Vhong Navarro, Karylle, Billy Crawford, and Kuya Kim is enough to save the bad segments. The other hosts need improvement.

Yesterday's episode was It's Showtime's first one, so it is expected that it would hit snags. So how can it be improved? Here are some suggestions:

1. Make Classic Showtime the show's centerpiece, instead of relegating it to the end. Open the show with the introduction of all the acts for the day, then show a game in the next gap. In the following gap, show the first act's performance. Then another game, another act, etc. End the show with the announcement of the winner.

2. Cut the segments that do not work.

3. To avoid confusion of the rules, record a short VTR of these rules and show them before any game is played.

4. Let the other hosts, particularly the new ones, hold the mike. Do not overexpose the main hosts by giving them all the juicy segments.

5. Do not focus on the competition. The producers of It's Showtime should focus on giving the show its own identity first. The new format looks like it was made to go head-to-head with Eat Bulaga! The old format was better, so they should try to bring that back.

(Also published in PEP.ph)

The excellent Babae sa Breakwater (Mario O'Hara, 2004) uses magical realism to craft a palatable tribute to the fringes of Manila that many of us reject.